| "Just three little words," Paris pleaded. "Three words! Would it kill you to-- Okay, forget I said that."
Janeway regarded him, arms folded tightly. "If I say it, will you leave me alone?"
He glanced at the turbolift floor for a moment then back at her. "I don’t want you to just say it. I want you to *mean* it. I don’t like this any more than you do--"
"Then stop stalking me!"
"I am *not* stalking you!" Paris protested angrily.
Janeway closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Mister Paris," she said through clenched teeth. "I am not now, nor do I intend to be at any time in the immediate foreseeable future, dead. Now, kindly take your hand off my arm and report to Sickbay."
He pushed her, hard, against the wall of the lift. "You may not want to admit it, Captain, but *you are dead*. If you’d just stop being so damn childish about this--"
She put her hand on his shoulder to push him away just as the doors opened and Chakotay stared at them; Paris pinning Janeway to the turbolift wall, lips inches apart, both of them flushed and breathing heavily. After a moment’s hesitation Chakotay stepped back. "I’ll… take another turbolift."
"Please, Commander, join us," Janeway said desperately, and realised how that sounded just as the doors closed on Chakotay’s incredulous expression. She glared at Paris. "Paris, you are *so* dead--"
"So are you," he retorted.
Janeway took a breath and let it out sharply. "That’s *enough*, Lieutenant. The mess hall has two entrances, yes. When you’re in it you are on two decks simultaneously, yes. But you do *not* die when you leave it."
"Then why is it *Schrodinger’s* mess hall?" Paris asked triumphantly.
Janeway stared at him for a moment. "*You* called it that."
"Exactly."
"Lieutenant," she said. "Report to Sickbay, *now*. That’s an order."
"Fine," Paris snapped. "But I’m telling you, Captain, you’re dead. We both are."
"If you’re dead," Janeway said logically, "then why are you still bothering me?"
Paris gave her a scathing look. "I can’t pass on until I’ve got everyone to stop clinging to their delusions of life," he explained patiently.
"Okaaay." Fortunately she was rescued from further conversation when the doors opened out on deck five. "Your stop, Lieutenant. Remember, Sickbay."
Paris frowned at her. "I said I’d go, didn’t I?"
"Yes, you did," Janeway conceded. She put a hand to her head as he left. This was not the best way to start a day.
****
Paris glanced behind him as he rounded the corner, just in case she was following to make sure he really got to Sickbay. No one there; good. He turned onto another corridor and walked rapidly away from the direction of Sickbay until he got to his real destination.
A weapons locker.
Even Janeway couldn’t argue with a phaser rifle, he thought to himself in satisfaction.
****
"Sickbay to Janeway; this is the Emergency Medical Holographic Program. Captain, I thought you said Lieutenant Paris would be reporting to Sickbay?"
Janeway looked up from her reports. "That’s right," she said warily.
"Well, that was half an hour ago and he still hasn’t arrived. I really must protest, Captain--"
"Feel free," she said, rising from her computer terminal. "Janeway out. Computer, locate Lieutenant Paris."
"Lieutenant Paris is in his quarters."
Janeway strode towards the door. Someone was going to pay for her bad mood, and it wasn’t going to be the people who knew she was alive.
****
Paris grinned as he peered through the grating and saw Janeway coming down the corridor. Dead people were so predictable. He waited until she’d rung his door chime before dropping out of the maintenance duct.
"Nice to see you, Captain," he said lightly as he leveled the phaser rifle. "And I do believe you’re meant to be dead."
She stared at him for a moment, then her eyes flicked past him and she relaxed. "About time you got here, Tuvok," she said gratefully.
Paris half-turned and realised his mistake just as Janeway knocked the phaser rifle out of his hand and dove for it herself. He flung himself at her frantically, grunting as the butt of the rifle found his stomach. "Dammit, Captain--" he started, before she hit him in the head with the rifle and pushed him away from her.
She was fiddling with the settings as he climbed back to his feet, wincing. "That wasn’t very nice," he gasped.
"You’re the one trying to kill me," she retorted, then turned and ran.
He followed her, quickly revising his plans. There was a dead end up ahead-- but she had enough of a lead to duck into a Jefferies Tube. Paris climbed in after her, and she’d been slowed down enough that he was able to catch her, mere metres from the corridor.
She rolled onto her back as he grabbed at the phaser rifle. She tried to loosen his grip by banging the rifle against the side of the Jefferies Tube, but he had the edge in size and strength. He could see in her eyes that she knew it was only a matter of time.
****
Chakotay was walking along the corridor, mind running over what he was going to say to Paris about his intentions towards the captain, when he became aware of a rhythmic pounding noise coming from the Jefferies Tubes.
A moment later he heard Janeway’s voice, unsteady and breathless. "Oh, god… Tom, please… don’t… stop…"
Well, that answered the question of Paris’ intentions, Chakotay thought as he beat a hasty retreat.
****
"Don’t," Janeway repeated frantically. "Please, Tom, stop. You don’t want to do this."
Paris shook his head as he aimed the phaser rifle. "I’m sorry, Captain. It has to be this way."
"Wait--" Janeway pounced on the first thing that came to mind. "It’s only set to stun. I changed it, remember?"
Paris hesitated, then lowered the rifle. "Don’t move," he cautioned her as he moved his hand to the settings.
She sat up, wrested it from his grasp and turned it on him before he had a chance to react. "Captain--" he managed, then she shot him.
****
Janeway paced Sickbay irritably. "Isn’t he awake *yet*?"
"As I explained before, Captain, the weapon was still on a very high setting, and--"
"Can you wake him anyway?" she demanded.
"I wouldn’t recommend it--"
"But you can do it," she anticipated.
"Well, yes, but--"
"Wake him," she snapped, finally standing still. The Doctor sighed, fetched a hypospray and pressed it to Paris’ neck.
He woke slowly, confusion clouding his eyes. For a moment it looked as though they were clearing, then Paris frowned and put a hand to his head. "What happened? I feel like a herd of targ stampeded across my head."
"I shot you," Janeway said succintly, folding her arms and glaring at him.
He stared at her for a moment. "…*Captain*?"
"You were trying to kill me," she elaborated, still glaring.
He paused. "Why?"
"*That* is something I have yet to comprehend," she said dryly. The doors opened, forestalling Paris’ next question, and Kim rushed through.
"Tom, I don’t believe you tried to kill the captain! --Oh, hello, Captain," he added lamely.
"Ensign," she returned. "I’ll give you two a moment."
****
Paris watched as Janeway walked away and resisted the urge to smile. He almost couldn’t believe she’d fallen for it… but he didn’t have time to gloat. He had to convince her she was dead, without her being able to stop him. It would probably be best to get everyone else who’d been involved in the incident at the same time, or they’d lock him up before he could finish. And that wouldn’t do at all.
Kim was saying something in a reproachful tone of voice, and Paris started paying attention. "…believe you did that!" he exclaimed. "I thought you were over this death thing."
"Harry, what are you talking about?" he said, in what he hoped was an appropriately bemused tone of voice.
"You don’t remember?"
"Not a thing," Paris said emphatically, shaking his head. "The captain just said I tried to kill her… What’s going on?"
"Well, it started when we found out the mess hall was in two places at once, like Schrodinger’s cat," Kim said. "We thought we’d die if we left the mess hall, like if the cat found out it was both alive and dead and tried to find out which, you see?"
"I see," Paris nodded.
"But we were wrong," Kim continued.
"We were?"
"Of course we were! See, the cat is both alive and dead, so it would die. But we weren’t alive and dead; we were on decks two and six. So we wouldn’t die, we’d just be on one of the two decks."
That made no sense, Paris thought irritably. Harry wasn’t usually this stupid. "But it wasn’t the cat being one or the other, it was the cat trying to find out *which* that would kill it," he objected.
Kim glanced at him warily. "Tom…"
He was trying to convince them he was ‘sane’, he remembered, and quickly put on a look of comprehension. "Oh, I get it. …I think. All that scientific stuff just gives me a headache."
"Don’t I know it," Kim snorted. "I’ll never study quantum mechanics again… So, you’re sure you’re all right?"
"Sure," Paris said, with one of his best smiles. "So, when can I get out of here?"
Kim shrugged. "You’ll have to ask the Doctor."
Probably days, knowing the captain. All he’d done was try to kill her; really, some people held way too many grudges. Oh well, Paris thought; that would give him time to make some plans.
****
"You want a party," Janeway repeated skeptically.
Paris nodded. "To apologise to everyone. Please, Captain," he said plaintatively. "You can’t imagine… I tried to *kill* you. And I held them hostage, and made Harry an accomplice. I have to make it up to everybody. I *have* to!"
Janeway looked at the pleading expression on his face and could feel her heart melting. After all, it wasn’t as if he’d been entirely sane when he’d tried to kill her. And if he really felt so bad… "All right," she finally sighed. "You can have holodeck two--"
"No," Paris interrupted, then bit his lip as she looked up at him. "That is… I just… don’t feel I deserve holodeck privileges," he finished quietly.
"Oh, Tom." Janeway leaned forward earnestly. "It wasn’t your fault."
"Then whose fault was it?" Paris shook his head. "I could have got you *killed*, Captain! Can you imagine how that feels?"
Janeway closed her eyes, thought briefly of Justin and her father, and nodded. "Oh, I know how that feels. But Tom," she opened her eyes again, "don’t beat yourself up over it. You can’t change what’s past. You can only… survive it."
Paris looked at her, expression unreadable. After a moment he looked at the floor. "I’d like to request the use of Cargo Bay One," he said in a low voice.
She started to suggest the mess hall, then thought better of it. "Of course."
"Thank you. Captain--" He looked up again, hesitated, and shook his head. "I really am sorry."
And as he left she couldn’t quite shake the feeling that he wasn’t talking about what he’d already done.
****
The party was in full swing. Even Tuvok had finally consented to come, thank goodness. This wouldn’t work if a single person was missing, Paris reminded himself, and scanned the cargo bay yet again.
What the hell was Chakotay doing here? He hadn’t been in the mess hall-- On the other hand, Paris thought with a savage grin, he’d probably been in the mess hall at *some* point after he found out about its dual nature…
He continued his scan of the room, froze when he saw Kes plant a kiss on Neelix’ fur-lined face. Hell. What was Kes doing here? He quickly made his way over to the pair of them.
"Hey, Neelix, Kes. Enjoying the party?"
"Yes, thank you, Tom," Kes said. "It’s very nice."
"The crew certainly seem to be enjoying themselves," Neelix agreed.
"Yeah." Paris smiled then put on a confidential look. "Neelix, have you got any more of that splicht everyobdy’s drinking?"
"Uh… Why, yes, as a matter of fact."
"It’s just that I think I saw Jenny Delaney put some extra spices in this lot--"
"You can never have too many spices," Neelix said confidently.
"Ground farien?"
"Farien?" Neelix looked incensed. "With leola root and splicht? Why that’s-- that’s-- That’s a crime, that’s what it is! I have a mind to go over there and--"
"Neelix," Kes interrupted, placing a gentle hand on his arm. "Perhaps we should replace the splicht, first."
"Of course, sweeting," Neelix agreed.
Paris stopped him. "Neelix, aren’t you forgetting something? You’re supposed to be serving the hair pasta."
"That’s all right," Kes said quickly. "I’ll get it myself. I’ll be back soon." She kissed Neelix lightly on the cheek and hurried out.
Paris smiled and walked to the console. "Could I have your attention please?"
Amazingly, he had it within a few short moments. Good; he needed to make this quick. "I think you know why you were all invited here tonight." He put on a sheepish smile for a moment. "And I have to say I’m not proud of what I did. I’d like to apologise to all of you here, especially Harry," he smiled briefly at his friend, "anyone I threatened with a phaser," a moment of laughter, "and Captain Janeway, who forgave me remarkably quickly for trying to kill her." More laughter. But for some reason Chakotay went rather an odd colour. Paris raised his glass and his voice. "To the captain!"
"To the captain!" the crew chorused. Janeway shot him a dirty look, but he could tell she was enjoying herself. He gave her a grin that said as much, then sobered.
"Most of all, I’d like to apologise--" That got everyone’s attention, he noticed, and took a breath. "I’d like to apologise for what I’m about to do."
He saw Janeway look up sharply with an alarmed look on her face, as he pressed the controls that would fire the electron to send the command that would space them all. Supposedly it was a fifty-fifty chance that the electron would complete the command, but he knew they were supposed to be dead. |
