| The bridge was silent, everyone happily running the ship, when suddenly Tom Paris gave out a cry. "I can’t believe it!" he said, and opened the ship’s intercom. "This is Tom. Tom Paris. I just want to say, there’s someone on this ship signing his/her round robin messages with *my* name, and making inflammatory anti-shuttlecraft statements. Whoever you are, it’s a really disgusting thing to do, and I want you to know I’ll track you down and get all your replicator rations confiscated. And of course everyone knows I’ve got nothing against shuttlecraft, I pilot them all the time."
Janeway frowned at the interruption but didn’t say anything since everyone was still working. Then, suddenly:
"This is Tom. Tom Kendall," a voice came over the intercom. "As far as I can tell I’ve got every right to call myself Tom, it’s been my name as long as I’ve been alive after all. And I don’t think we should be using shuttlecraft, they’re just too dangerous."
"This is Richard. I just want to say, Tom Paris, I really don’t see why you have to disrupt the ship by telling us your feelings about shuttlecraft. I don’t like them myself and I don’t want to have to listen to other people thrusting their own opinions on me. Like it if you want, just keep it to yourself, okay?"
"This is B’Elanna. Richard, that’s a really ignorant thing to say, and offensive to anyone who likes shuttlecraft. Have you ever even been in a shuttle? I’ll have you know they’re as safe as transporters, and they’ll never, ever turn you into a child or put you into a dangerous alternate universe."
"This is Harry. Just to be pedantic, but there was that time I ended up on an alternate Earth--"
"Richard here. Look, you two, I really don’t want to hear about your experiences with shuttlecraft, okay? Just keep it to yourselves."
"B’Elanna here. Why should we keep it to ourselves, Richard? We’re in a minority as it is, and as long as we keep quiet about our feelings everyone’s just going to keep on assuming that everyone prefers the transporter. How would you feel if someone just assumed you prefered to take a shuttle? Wouldn’t you want them to know that, actually, you’d rather go by transporter?"
"Richard here. That’s a non sequitur, Torres, because no-one would assume that I prefer the shuttle. The simple fact is that transporters are better, and anyone who says they’re not is sick."
"Tom Kendall here. I just want to let you all know I’m changing my name to Thelonius."
"Neelix here. Richard, I do take exception to your remarks. You do realise that you’re discriminating against the entire Delta Quadrant? We’ve managed just fine without your new-fangled transporter, and we don’t need you condemning us for our ways."
"B’Elanna here. You’re not getting my point, Richard. Why should we have to be quiet about our shuttle trips when you can talk all you like about your transporter trips?"
"Richard here. For the record, I don’t talk about my transporter trips, I keep it completely out of my personal life. And I’m not condemning anyone, I’m just saying transporters are better, that’s why everyone we meet wants to get it off us. Besides, if God had wanted us to use shuttles he wouldn’t have invented the Heisenburg compensator."
"Tuvok here. Belief in God is illogical. We have no evidence to suggest the existence of a superior being who created the universe."
"Chakotay here. I don’t want to go into a theological discussion here, but we don’t have any evidence to suggest the *non*-existence of God, either. And after all, S/He invented miniaturised warp nacelles too."
"Richard here. Do you really believe in a God who would want people to run around in shuttles turning into *lizards*?"
Janeway growled under her breath, glaring at the padd she was trying to read.
"B’Elanna here. I thought you didn’t want to hear about our experiences on shuttlecraft, Mr Hypocrite."
"Doctor here. I think you should bear in mind the misuse of transport that’s been made in the past. Look how many shuttlecraft have been blown up in the past three episodes. That’s right, three. And how many transporters have been blown up in the last three seasons? None. It just shows that shuttlecraft pilots are plain neglectful, as opposed to transporter operators."
"Tom here. That’s pure slander, Doctor. There’s nothing wrong with shuttlecraft pilots, or shuttlecraft themselves. It’s the situations that are different. And there’ve been plenty of transporter accidents in the past."
"Carey here. I’d--"
"THIS IS CAPTAIN JANEWAY, AND I KNOW I’M SHOUTING!! I WANT EVERYONE ON THIS SHIP TO STOP TALKING ABOUT SHUTTLECRAFT NOW, AND I MEAN *NOW*, OR YOU’LL BE CLEANING THE WARP CORE WITH A TOOTHBRUSH UNTIL WE GET BACK TO THE ALPHA QUADRANT."
There was sudden silence, and everyone went back to what they were meant to be doing - running the ship. |
