She thought again about the shuttle accident that had nearly cost them Tom, Tuvok, and Sam Wildman. Engineering crews were already poring over the Delta Flier’s flight recorder and other logs of the event, and every now and then her computer console would bleep to alert her to the fact that yet another log had been routed to her terminal for review. As if she’d find anything B’Elanna’s teams hadn’t.

She still wondered what was in the goodbye messages Engineering had passed on unread. After the shuttle accident Tom and the others obviously hadn’t expected to survive long enough to be rescued. Her dilemma was that she was desperately curious about what they’d chosen to say to her in their final words.

It wouldn’t be entirely unethical for her to read just the ones tagged for her, she told herself. After all, they’d been intended for her in the first place; now she just had the benefit of knowing Tom, Tuvok and Samantha were alive and well. Her eyes drifted almost of their own free will towards the computer terminal.

Oh, what the hell. She sat down and called up the appropriate files. One from Tuvok, one from Tom. She mentally tossed a coin and chose to run Tom’s first.

His face was smudged with dirt when he appeared on screen, hair disheveled and a large bruise forming over his left temple. He glanced over his shoulder then focused on that spot just below the screen that it was customary to study when recording a message.

Tom rubbed a hand over his face and began to speak. "Well, Captain, if you’re seeing this then I guess we didn’t make it. I don’t have much time; Sam’s unconscious and Tuvok’s…" he pulled a brief face, "I don’t know, meditating or something. Anyway." He stopped for a moment, rubbing his eyes. "Hell, this is hard. Captain, if we didn’t make it, I-- I’m sorry." He glanced away for a moment, as if she’d really been there when he’d recorded this. There was a difference, though; she couldn’t ever remember Tom Paris looking this unguarded before, even in front of her. "I tried, so hard, and when the shuttle was going down, all I could think was ‘Not again, not again’." His eyes were beginning to water, and he took a moment to get his voice back under control. "And then we crashed, and I was so scared… I thought I’d killed them. Just like-- Just like Caldik Prime."

Kathryn put a hand to the screen involuntarily, heart nearly breaking at the pain in his voice. "Oh, Tom…" she breathed.

Tom looked away again, struggling to keep control, and swallowed a couple of times. After a moment he looked back at the spot below the screen. "Well, if you’re seeing this, then I guess I failed after all." The open bitterness in his voice made her wince.

He continued, "Anyway, I guess we don’t need to get into that - it’s sort of beside the point, now. I just wanted to say… Goodbye, Captain. You’ve done so much for me, more than anyone else even tried to do.

"At first," he laughed, a little, "when I first saw you, I hated you. I can’t even imagine hating you now. But back then, in New Zealand, you were just one of my father’s lackeys - oh, sure, you had your own ship, but you were still one of Admiral Paris’ devoted followers.

"But you treated me fairly, and when you stood up for me to Chakotay, I think that was when I realised I could easily…" He stopped and took a breath. "I’m getting ahead of myself. But the way you stared him down, like some kind of avenging angel-- you were still wrong, of course; I deserved everything he said to me and a lot more, besides. Not to say I wasn’t grateful," he added lightly, then sobered again. "That was probably when I started to-- to do everything I could to make your load easier to bear."

Kathryn looked at the screen with-- she didn’t know what kind of feeling, but it wasn’t good. Probably. She knew one thing; Tom’s words were too close for comfort to some of the things Chakotay had said to her on New Earth.

"I think--" Tom lifted his eyes, then faltered as he encountered the cold black of the screen he had recording this on. Kathryn knew from experience how stupid one could feel talking to a blank screen, so was relieved when Tom seemed to shrug it off and resume his frank farewell.

"I think," he repeated, "that out here I’ve done some of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. I’m not talking about saving the ship, or dazzling piloting maneuvers; I mean things like reading to Naomi… spending time with B’Elanna…" He looked up again and this time didn’t falter. "You."

Kathryn smiled softly. If Tom could only be this open all the time… then there’d be twice as many hearts broken over him, she admitted. That soft look on his face was far more appealing than even his best pick-up lines.

"Captain-- Kathryn." He savoured the sound of her name for a moment. "I think most of the crew knows I’d die for you in an instant. Only fair, since you saved my life. I’m not being melodramatic," he added with a quiet smile; "you gave me a second chance when no one else would. I would have gone crazy a long time ago without you. I wish we’d spent more time together; I--" He hesitated and bit his lip. "Well, I guess that doesn’t matter now." He closed his eyes for a moment then looked back at the spot below the screen, face carefully blank.

"Goodbye, Captain. Thank you… for everything." It flicked off.

Kathryn sat there for a moment, staring at the screen. /I wish we’d spent more time together; I--/ He what? /…you saved my life…/ /I would have gone crazy without you./ She frowned, casting her mind further back. /…some of the best things I’ve done in my life./

/You./

No. It wasn’t possible… was it? Suddenly, watching these messages didn’t seem like such a wonderful idea.

Her ready room door chimed, and she barely even noticed calling out, "Come in."

Tom sauntered over to her desk and handed her a padd. "Here’s my report on the accident, Captain."

"I-- yes. Thank you…" She studied him for a moment, wondering.

"Captain--" He looked at her oddly. "Are you all right?"

She hesitated. "Tom… do you love me?" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she forced herself to meet his eyes.

"Of course I do," he said, laughing slightly. "You saved my life."

"That’s not what I mean," she said slowly, shaking her head. Tom frowned for an instant, then his eyes widened.

"Captain… I-- I’m *involved*," he reminded her.

She kept her tone even, her eyes guarded. "I know. That doesn’t answer my question."

Tom was silent for a long moment, not meeting her eyes. She nodded slowly. "I thought so," she said quietly.

He glanced at her briefly. "You watched it, didn’t you?"

She nodded again.

"Great. That’s just great." Tom raked a hand through his hair. "Wonderful."

"Does B’Elanna know?"

Tom was silent a moment. "I think so. She hasn’t said anything, but…" He shrugged, then added, "I think Tuvok knows, too."

"Oh, that’s just great." Kathryn sighed and rose. "We’re going to have to talk about this."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? Tom--" She shook her head and walked around the desk to meet him. "We have to *deal* with this."

"No, we don’t," Tom protested. "This doesn’t change anything. It *doesn’t*!" he insisted as she started to contradict him.

She crossed the last few inches between them and pulled him down to kiss him, swearing to herself that she was only doing this to make her point and wasn’t enjoying this in the slightest; that it didn’t feel more right than anything she’d ever done in her life; that she didn’t care if she never felt Tom’s arms around her like this again…

She broke away with a slight gasp of regret, and looked at him. "Tell me that didn’t change anything."

He swallowed, breathing heavily and staring at her. After a moment he shook his head; a small, jerky movement. "It didn’t change anything," he repeated.

Kathryn glanced away, eyes resting for a moment on the grain of her desk before flicking back to look at him. She was about to speak when he took a breath.

"Captain…"

"Yes?" she said. Too quickly, far too quickly.

Tom hesitated. "Am I dismissed?" he asked finally.

Kathryn bit her lip and nodded. "Dismissed, Lieutenant," she said quietly, and watched him walk away.