| I thought I was happy with Tom. I was happy with Tom, for a while, but we each needed so much more than the other could give. And after the mess with my depression, we just… grew apart. We pretended that we were still a couple, went through all the motions of loving each other… but then something happened that changed everything.
Seven bit me.
That wasn’t really a problem; Tom’s not the jealous type, and even if he was he’d know better than to worry over a submerged personality that’s never going to appear again. But me - once I got over my initial outrage, I couldn’t-- can’t get it out of my head.
I want to hate her again. I understood that; it was probably the one thing in my life I could control. But now she just confuses the hell out of me, with her dominating manner and off-kilter sense of humour yeah, and a stunning figure, too. And she doesn’t even know how attractive she is, and that attracts me too. Yeah, I’m hopeless, and I hate myself for needing her so badly.
Is it some childhood trauma? Do I need someone to dominate me, to tell me I’m imperfect and order me around? Hell, I’ve got Janeway for that, so it can’t be the answer. Damn you, Torres, for choosing the one person on the entire fucking ship who could never return your feelings. Not that anyone else would be interested in me either.
Stupid, stupid bitch.
For an instant I want to go to the holodeck and turn off the safeties again; let the pain bleed away. But if I do that I’ll never be able to stop again. But… *fuck*. I need her, and she couldn’t care less. |
