"I had an idea to help Seven develop her social skills," Harry said enthusiastically, handing her a padd. "Tom was showing me some television programs from the twentieth century, and we came across something called ‘Teletubbies’. It was designed for young children, and turned out to help draw autistic children out of their shells."

She looked at him then picked up the padd. It showed four colourful creatures with large ears and grey squares on their stomachs. One was red, one yellow, one blue and one green. She was mystified.

"I hardly think Seven can be compared to an autistic child," she pointed out, but Harry shook his head.

"Autism interferes with the development of social interaction skills. Its sufferers often exhibit extreme passivity and cannot comprehend what makes others tick. They have to learn social interactions mechanically; ‘empathy’ by rote. They think about it on a scientific level - just like Seven. I checked it out with the Doctor and he agrees," he added, then blushed, presumably for ‘going behind her back’.

She smiled to reassure him and looked back at the cuddly creatures on the padd. Teletubbies. The name suited them. "I can hardly disagree with such an expert prognosis, can I? What exactly did you have in mind?"

"Half an hour twice a day," Harry said promptly, "five days a week. "The records were very clear about when it was screened. Tom’s already working on converting it to a holoprogram."

Kathryn handed the padd back and smiled warmly. "By all means, proceed, Mr Kim. I’ll expect regular progress reports."

"Of course, Captain." He grinned and left.

=/\=

Kathryn stared into her empty coffee cup and admitted that she was beginning to worry about the Teletubby Project. The progress reports simply stated that Seven had taken to the program enthusiastically; smiled often and once even laughed. It was wonderful news, Kathryn had to admit, but something bothered her about the way Harry talked more about the program than he did about Seven. And it wasn’t like Harry to ignore Seven, she added to herself.

She glanced at the chrono and put the cup down with a sigh. She’d come to dread bridge duty since the project had begun. Harry and Tom had taken to passing their shifts by talking enthusiastically about some people called Laa Laa, Dipsy, Tinky Winky and Po. At first she’d thought those were code-names for Tom’s latest conquests, but when Chakotay had joined in the conversation she’d realised they were discussing the Teletubby Project. Even Tuvok had joined in, arguing that Po would never fight with Tinky Winky, because ‘teletubbies love each other’.

She couldn’t hide out in her ready room forever, Kathryn told herself firmly, and walked out the doors with head held high. The turbolift opened at the back of the bridge and Tom took one step out before turning to Harry and saying in a low voice, "Uh oh."

"What have you done *now*, Mr Paris?" she asked, probably unfairly. Well, if the captain couldn’t be in a lousy mood occasionally, who could?

Tom just looked confused. "All I said was ‘Uh oh.’"

Kathryn didn’t even want to *try* to work out what that one meant. She shook her head slightly and looked at Harry as Tom made his way down to his station. "Harry, how’s that program for Seven coming along?"

Wrong question, she thought with a wince as a grinning bridge crew announced, "*Big* hug!" Well, except Tuvok. Tuvok didn’t grin and, thank God, nor did he ‘big hug’.

She smiled politely and settled into her chair. This was going to be one hell of a long shift.

=/\=

She should have known. Anything from the twentieth century had to be trouble. She should never have authorised the damn project.

"Be fair," Kathryn told the mug in her hand. She was back in her ready room, tryig to pretend she wasn’t hiding and failing miserably. "You haven’t even seen the program. There’s probably a perfectly good explanation."

Explanation for what? For her crew acting like lunatics; announcing "Eh oh," wherever they went and gathering for ‘*big* hugs’ at the oddest moments? Not to mention abandoning "Aye, Captain," in favour of the infuriating "Change course tubby tubby tubby," or "Scan scan scan tubby tubby tubby tubby."

Her crew had gone space-mad. Even Tuvok had succumbed. How had she let things get this far out of hand? This hardly seemed like the effect of a child’s entertainment program. A secret governmental mind-control experiment? That was ridiculous. Or was it?

This was getting her nowhere. "Computer, time," she said with a sigh.

"The tubby-time is fifteen hundred tubby-hours," a childish voice informed her. Kathryn bit back a curse and strode out of her ready room, ignoring Chakotay’s cheerful "Eh oh," as she passed. Half an hour until the next showing. Time for a snack, and then she was going to see what this program was really all about. And get B’Elanna to change the damned computer back.

"Messhall," she ordered, and leaned against the wall. What a day. What a week.
She straightened up as the computer’s ramblings sifted into her consciousness.

"Turbo’ift go mess’all. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."

"Shut *up*," she muttered, to no effect. Naturally. When she found out who’d reprogrammed the computer-- though she had a fairly good idea already. Not many people would have both the access *and* the death-wish.

She stepped out the instant the doors opened and strode straight to the messhall. It was all but deserted, save Neelix who stepped out of the kitchen when he heard the door open, and smiled at her.

"Eh oh! I must admit, Captain, I was starting to worry about you; I haven’t seen you for quite some time."

It had been one, one and a half days at the most, but Kathryn wasn’t in the mood to quibble. "Where is everyone?"

"Where crew?" Neelix repeated in a sugary voice. "I *believe* they’re in the holodeck waiting for the next showing. As a matter of fact I was about to head down there myself, but can I get you anything first? There’s some tubby tustard left from lunchtime if you like."

Tubby tustard? *Tubby* tustard. It was a miracle people weren’t turning up for shift dressed as the damn things. Or maybe they were, but just not on the bridge. …Suddenly she didn’t feel like eating. "Thank you, Neelix, but I was just… looking for Lieutenant Paris." She winced slightly at the transparency of her cover, but Neelix looked satisfied.

"He’s definitely in the holodeck. I consider myself quite a fan, you know, but Tom has never missed a single episode. That’s what I call dedication."

Of course Neelix wasn’t as big a fan as Tom. He was speaking in whole sentences for a start. Kathryn put on the carefully practised smile she reserved just for him. "I’m sure it is, Mr Neelix. Thank you; you’ve been most helpful. Excuse me.

She hurriedly left the messhall and entered the nearest turbolift. "Engineering."

"Turbo’ift go en’ineerwin’. Go go go tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."

She rolled her eyes upwards and leaned against the wall. =/\=

If the messhall had been deserted, Engineering was a ghost-deck. On closer inspection Kathryn realised that B’Elanna was in her office, studying the screen and apparently in a good mood. Maybe she could get that computer fixed now.

"Lieutenant--"

"Shh." B’Elanna didn’t even look up. "Time for teletubbies."

"*Lieutenant*," Kathryn repeated firmly. "You’re on duty."

A flicker of a frown crossed B’Elanna’s face then she settled back into an inane grin. "Shh."

Reaming out the Chief Engineer could wait, Kathryn decided. She needed to find out what was going on in the holodeck.

=/\=

The holodeck was crowded when she arrived. It seemed like the entire off-duty crew had gathered to watch those damn teletubbies. Possibly a few on-duty crewmembers as well, Kathryn thought, remembering the state of Engineering. As Neelix had said he would be, Tom was waiting with the rest of them, and after a moment Neelix walked in the door as well.

Kathryn ducked around a group of people to avoid him - not that she had anything *against* Neelix as such, but she really didn’t feel up to another conversation with him right now - and found herself next to Tom.

"Eh oh," he said with a grin. "I was wondering when you’d come, Captain. I didn’t think your curiosity would let you stay away for long."

Kathryn practically fell over. It was the first time in days she’d heard him use a complete sentence - let alone two sentences without a mention of a ‘tubby’. Maybe this wasn’t as out of hand as she’d thought.

But then a small chime sounded and she was almost deafened by a hundred ecstatic cries of "Time for teletubbies!" Music started to play, and she had to admit it was slightly catchy; the sort of music you could whistle along to or tap your foot. A childish shrieking giggle from in front caught her attention and she tore her eyes away from Tom.

It was, she decided, supposed to be a sun. It had the face of a baby, and, although she normally adored children, for some reason she had an intense urge to blow this one out of the sky. A soft whispered chant traveled over the crowd: "Teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies teletubbies."

"Over the hills and far away," a female voice announced. The chant grew more insistent. "Teletubbies come to play."

An oddly artificial looking hill came into focus, and one of the teletubbies shot out the top.

"One," the voice declared.

"One!" the teletubby and her crew repeated.

"Two." Another teletubby shot out of the hill.

"Two!
"Three."\

"Three!"

Kathryn winced slightly at the noise, but even if she decided to leave there was no way she’d be able to get through the crowd between her and the arch. The teletubbies were peering into the hole in some consternation, although it was hard to tell when they wore nothing but the same idiotic grins.

"Four," the voice finally announced, and a blue teletubby shot out of the hole amidst shouts of encouragement from the crowd.

"Four! Four! Teletubbies!!!"

"Go Tinky Winky," Tom cheered.

Kathryn rolled her eyes. So much for not being that bad. This was pure drivel. Give it a chance, she reminded herself sternly

The teletubbies rushed around five bronze periscopes which were announcing, "Time for teletubies! Time for teletubbies! Time for teletubbies! Time for teletubbies!"

The music picked up and the same voice began to sing.

"Tinky Winky."

The blue teletubby echoed him, "Tinky Winky!"

"Dipsy."

"Dipsy," the green one repeated.

"Laa Laa."

"Laa Laa!"

So the red one must be… "Po."

"Po!"

"Teletubbies. Teletubbies. Say hello!"

"Eh oh!" the teletubbies obediently chorused, and Kathryn winced. Well, now she knew where *that* particular expression came from. She stifled a groan as the music began to repeat and used the time to analyse the teletubbies.

It seemed that the blue one and the green one - also the two larger ones; what a coincidence - were the males. Aggressive, too, from the way they were charging at each other, although Laa Laa and Po were copying them. If they didn’t bounce off each other’s stomachs like that they could do some real damage.

A moment later another annoying expression was explained as the teletubbies gathered for a ‘*biiig* hug!’ before rushing off.

A periscope rose slowly. "Where have the teletubbies gone?"

"Who cares?" Kathryn wanted to ask, but bit it back. Now was not the time.

The sun burbled. Rabbits chewed grass. The hills just sat there.

The scene switched to the interior of a large room. The red ‘tubby stood by herself, grin still firmly attached. "Eh oh!"

"Eh oh!" the crew replied enthusiastically.

"One day in teletubby-land, Po went to sleep in Tinky Winky’s bed," the singer/periscope explained.

"Po sleep Tinky Winky bed," Po repeated, and spent the next five minutes doing just that, giggling often and producing an odd honk when she sat that startled Kathryn into visibly flinching. A vacuum cleaner wandered around aimlessly, making ‘zheep zheep’ noises to itself. Po sighed contentedly, several times, and began to snore.

Kathryn studied the crew while she waited for something interesting to happen. They all sat or stood, completely riveted to the action - or lack thereof - in front of them, their expressions reminiscent of the puppets-on-acid grins of the teletubbies themselves.

Three voices singing announced the return of the other teletubbies. They walked through the door cheerfully, greeted the crew with a loud "Eh oh!" and waited for instructions.

"Tinky Winky, Dipsy and Laa Laa wanted to go to sleep."

"Oh," said one of the teletubbies, in apparent enlightenment. "Go to s’eep." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising it with overacted yawns and stretches, while the vacuum cleaner looked on with a worried non-expression. They lined up in front of the beds, managing not to notice that Po was already asleep in Tinky Winky’s

"Laa Laa went to sleep," the voice narrated. The yellow ‘tubby looked surprised for a moment, almost blushing at the ‘honour’ as the other two turned to look at her.

"Sleep, sleep," she murmured, and sat with a honk. "Sleep." She pulled a silver, almost Starfleet-issue sheet over herself and started snoring immediately.

Tinky Winky looked about to object as the voice said, "Dipsy went to sleep," then apparently thought better of it.
Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *three times*. She started mentally revising the reports she’d been studying earlier while Dipsy ‘went to sleep’ with the attention to detail of a thousand Vulcans. Eventually Tinky Winky tried to go to bed and discovered Po already there. The ever-present narrator announced a solution, which Tinky Winky promptly repeated.

"Hooray! Tinky Winky s’eep in Po bed! Yay! Tinky Winky s’eep in Po bed!"

"No need to sound so thrilled about it," she muttered. "Talk about underage--" She subsided at Tom’s look, though less from repentance than incredulity that he, of all people, didn’t see the subtext himself.

Po’s bed being about half the size of Tinky Winky himself, the large blue teletubby - predictably - didn’t fit. He spent five minutes describing the dilemma, and another five trying to find somewhere to sleep, all to no avail. The table was too hard, the slide was too slippery - no wonder, Kathryn thought, when he tried to sleep halfway up it - and just when all the possibilities had been exhausted, Po woke up. How convenient.

"Eh oh!"

"Eh oh, Po!"

"Eh oh, Tinky Winky!"

You’ve already *said* that, Kathryn thought impatiently.

"*Big* hug," Po suggested. Tinky Winky repeated the statement and Po hugged the blue teletubby’s legs. Well, perhaps the height difference wasn’t quite that bad, Kathryn conceded, but it was still ridiculous.

"Bye-bye, Tinky Winky!"

"Bye-bye, Po!"

The little red ‘tubby scampered off looking ridiculously pleased with herself - what had *she* been dreaming about, Kathryn wondered - and muttering something that sounded like "Potty, potty!"

Tinky Winky climbed into bed, rolling from one side to the other until the sheet was tucked neatly between his legs where it rubbed with every movement. This was becoming half drivel, half pornography. As the narrator said, Tinky Winky was "*very* comfortable."

Just when she thought she’d have to sit through another ten minutes of snoring, self-pleasuring teletubbies, the scene switched back to the rabbit-infested hill outside. Kathryn remembered her grandfather’s Welsh rabbit with a wistful sigh and ducked as a pinwheel suddenly started showering jagged pink projectiles in all directions.

Tom plucked one out of the air and presented it to her with a flourish that suggested some kind of sleight-of-hand. "Eh oh, Captain!"

She accepted it hesitantly. "Um… Eh oh, Tom."

He grinned as if to say, "That wasn’t so hard, now, was it?" and turned back to the holograms.

The teletubbies had emerged from their home inside the hill and were waving their legs in the air, giggling. As Kathryn watched, the grey squares on their stomachs took turns glowing blue for a second or two, inspiring shrieks of laughter. Evidently the teletubbies were very ticklish.

Suddenly they all stood and rushed to the top of the hill they were on, standing happily in height order. The biggest teletubby’s stomach activated again, the inverted triangle attached to his head glowing at the same time. He thrust his pelvis forward with a suggestive leer then the shine passed to the next-tallest teletubby.

After each ‘tubby had done its suggestive best, they started again at the beginning of the line. This time Tinky Winky’s stomach stayed grey and instead he declared "Tinky Winky!" in the sort of tone that needed no other words. Come and get it, baby.

The other three followed Tinky Winky’s lead and finally the glow settled on the youngest, Po. Po looked absolutely thrilled. The bigger ‘tubbies gathered round, *extremely* close to her. And they used to show this to children?

The square on Po’s stomach suddenly showed a picture of three children shouting "Hello, hello, hello, hello!" over and over. The teletubbies returned the greeting and the picture grew larger so it could easily be viewed by the crew.

The children introduced themselves; Jodie, Ishmael, and ‘Nim’. "Let’s find Aandeh!" they decided, in the sort of accent that could have come straight from one of the more conservative colony worlds.

Then followed a scene that rivaled a meeting of the Federation Council for boredom; Andy teaching the children how to find snails. When it was finally over the teletubbies taught Kathryn the true meaning of horror; they begged "Again! Again again!" and whoever was controlling the pinwheel gave in. The scene began all over again.

The program was only supposed to be half an hour long, Kathryn recalled. Hadn’t it been longer than that already? It seemed like hours. She’d have mentally inspected every report in her ready room by the time it ended if this kept up.

Finally the scene ended. Again. The sun burbled for ten seconds without interruption, then another ten seconds produced several clips of the hills. The ‘tubbies marched into view, holding onto the waist of the ‘tubby in front and, as always, in height order from tallest to smallest.

"Cha cha cha cha cha, *hah*!" they chanted, and Kathryn’s heart sank. A conga line. Of teletubbies. What had she done to deserve this?

Mercifully, one of the periscopes interrupted them to announce, "Time for tubby bye-bye. Time for tubby bye-bye."

Thank goodness for *that*. She wasn’t sure she could have stood five more seconds of that drivel.

Unfortunately, the ‘Tubby Bye-Bye’ sequence lasted a lot longer than just five seconds. Kathryn watched disbelievingly as the voice of the periscope bid goodbye to each of the teletubbies in turn. And just when she thought it was finally over, they all popped up again with cries of "Boo!"

"Nooo," the voice admonished lightly.

"Nooo," they mimicked.

"Bye-*bye*, Tinky Winky," and the whole thing started over again.

The female voice from the beginning of the show explained, "The sun is setting in the sky. Teletubbies, say bye-bye."

Dipsy marched to the top of the house-hill and waved. "Bye-bye," he said, then jumped down the hole they’d shot out of earlier. Laa Laa did the same, then Po, then finally Tinky Winky. Now was it over? Apparently not. Dipsy poked his head back up. "Bye-bye," he said cheerfully.

That was *it*. Kathryn let out a growl of frustration and muttered a sharp command to the computer. Tom looked at her in alarm as a compression phaser rifle materialised in her hands.

"What Captain do?"

She gave him an icy glare and loaded the rifle emphatically. "Time for tubby bye-bye, Lieutenant."

Another command produced the teletubbies, tied to stakes in easy firing range. The crew emanated horrified silence.

"Bye-bye Tinky Winky." The blue ‘tubby collapsed with a smoking hole in his chest.

"Bye-bye Dipsy." Laa Laa and Po grinned in concern as their ‘friend’ crumpled.

"Bye-bye Laa Laa." Their guts splattered quite nicely, Kathryn mused.

"Bye-bye Po." The smallest of the teletubbies virtually exploded as the blast from the phaser rifle hit. Kathryn smirked in satisfaction and was about to turn when the teletubbies suddenly leapt up, holes and all.

"Boo!"

"Nooo!" she wailed. It wasn’t fair!

"Nooo," they mimicked. The sun burbled sarcastically.

Suddenly the narrator spoke again. "The crew of the Voyager wanted to attack their captain."

"What?!" Kathryn stared upwards, then at the crew.

"Oh," said the Doctor, in a frighteningly childish tone. "‘Tack the cap’ain." They chorused the phrase for several minutes, emphasising it with overacted scowls and menacing actions, while the vacuum cleaner scooted up to Kathryn’s side with the same worried look. Tom gave her a friendly smile as he told the computer to give him a phaser rifle and disengage the safeties.

"The Doctor attacked the captain," the voice narrated. The fellow hologram looked surprised for a moment as the rest of the crew turned to look at him.

"‘Tack, ‘tack," he repeated, and smiled as Tom handed him the rifle. "‘Tack." Kathryn unfroze and dived out of the way as he lifted the rifle and fired. Gods, this had to be a nightmare, one of those really bad ones that make you flinch for days. She looked around wildly for some sort of cover, realising that she’d dropped her rifle avoiding the Doctor’s shot.

Chakotay looked about to object as the voice said, "Tom attacked the captain," then apparently realised his turn would come.

Kathryn suddenly realised they were going to go through this *one hundred and forty-six times*. A hundred and forty-five; B’Elanna was in Engineering. Yeah, like one person would make any difference. Luck had saved her from one shot; could she evade another?

Apparently so, although Chakotay’s grazed her shoulder. Ow, ow, ow, that was *hot*. Part of her hoped they were deliberately missing, but from the brainwashed grins on their faces she somehow doubted it.

"Computer, a personal shield strong enough to withstand compression phaser rifle fire, *now*!" It appeared in her hand and she activated it just in time to avoid becoming a smear for Naomi Wildman to wipe on her face.

"Harry attacked the captain."

"End program," she commanded desperately, flinching slightly as the shield flared from Harry’s attack. "End *program*, dammit!"

"Tuvok attacked the captain."

The shield flared and died as Tuvok’s precise shot hit it. *She’d* be dead in a minute if she didn’t think of something. This was one of those things they’d never covered in Command School.

"The crew of the Voyager wanted to *kill* their captain."

Kathryn cut short a hysterical laugh. Hadn’t they just been trying to do that for the last five minutes?

"The Doctor killed the captain."

"Computer, override command-one EMH-alpha and end program," she tried. The Doctor shimmered into temporary non-existence, buying her some time.

"But the captain deactivated the Doctor first."

"Eh oh," the crew chorused. "Cap’ain deakkivate Dokka."

"The crew killed their captain together."

"Kill cap’ain *together*," Chakotay declared. "Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."

"Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby," Tom repeated. The rest of the crew took up the chant. "Kill kill kill tubby tubby tubby tubby tubby."

Tom flashed her an "Isn’t this fun?" grin as the crowd advanced. "Time for tubby bye-bye…"